


Bankbusters (2016)

by orphan_account



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Alternatively: The Squad Bullies Erin, Comedy, Erin is too good for crime, Everyone else is worryingly good at being criminals, Everything is the same EXCEPT they also rob banks, F/F, Heist AU, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-31
Updated: 2016-09-02
Packaged: 2018-08-12 06:02:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7923346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything is the same, except they also rob banks.</p><p>‘Listen it makes perfect sense to rob a joint on a Tuesday, nobody will be expecting it- who robs a bank on a Tuesday? No one that’s who.'</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"We should rob a bank."

"What."

"Bank heist."

"No, we heard you. I want to know why you think that's even a suggestion."

"Actually, I think she might be on to something."

And so began the greatest heist since Oceans Eleven- no, The Italian Job, the original not the remake.

Holtzmann, naturally, was in charge of their tech. Crude as they looked and as prone as they were to explosions they did the job.

Patty had an almost worrying knowledge of all the best spots in New York to hit. How she knew, none of them wanted to ask, the accepted the gift as it came.

Abby lead the team. For someone who based her entire career on the pursuit of the paranormal she could keep a surprisingly level head.

Erin was there too.

 So when the four of them, armed to the teeth with technology that none of them should ever have been allowed to handle in their lives arrived at the back of an abandoned building at 9pm on a Tuesday (‘Listen it makes perfect sense to rob a joint on a Tuesday, nobody will be expecting it- who robs a bank on a Tuesday? No one that’s who.’) all in black with ski masks (with the exception of Holtzmann, who had elected to wear a black and white striped shirt, black trousers, and a novelty black eye mask. God she even had a burlap sack with a dollar sign painted on. She hadn’t even done anything to her hair.)

 “What are you wearing?”

 “This is what all the coolest thieves wear. You guys look like spies or something.”

 “We look like idiots.”

 “Don’t be a downer Erin.”

 “I hate all three of you.”

 “With that attitude this definitely won’t work.”

 Erin sighed, loudly. They all shushed her. If she’d just was a tenured professor she would not be in this position. One video of you yelling about seeing a ghost gets posted by your formerly estranged best friend gets posted online and suddenly you’re in a dirty alleyway about to commit theft.

 Holtzmann kicked down the door to the building. “I’ve always wanted to do that.”

 “I’ve seen you do that before. Multiple times,” Abby said, doubtless having flashbacks to the years with the prior to forming the Ghostbusters. Holtz shrugged and lead them in, lighting up a torch.

 She snuck about cartoonishly despite knowing full well there was no security there. They all thought she was enjoying herself just a little too much.

 “If we get caught I’m making a deal and ratting all of you out.” Patty, like Erin, could not believe she had agreed to do this. Unlike Erin she had no doubt they could get away with it.

 “You know what, I honestly wouldn’t blame you.”

 “Shut up guys we need to stay focussed,” Abby said, how was she so calm at a time like this?

 “I don’t even know the plan,” Erin practically whined.

  Abby stopped to turn to face her. “It was sent out in an email. I made a whole PDF file for you.”

 “You emailed me the plans for a bank heist?” she blanched.

 “You normally check your email. I flagged it as important and everything.”

 “Just. Abby. Just. Just tell me the plan. God, who emails stuff like that?”

 “I figured you’d just delete it after reading it, you’re a smart girl. For goodness sake Erin.” She started walking again. Holtz hadn’t gotten too far ahead since she insisted on diving behind every possible object as if she was hiding. Kevin would be proud.

 “Erin, babe, angel face, light of my life, you just need to hang back and look pretty. Your usual thing,” she stage-whispered at her from a turned over wheelbarrow. Why was there a wheelbarrow in a long-abandoned building anyway? Abby saw Holtzmann go to pick it up before shooting her a look that even she couldn’t defy.

 “I’m a leading particle physicist.” One that didn’t have tenure.

 “Ah, we know, but you’re definitely not a leading criminal,” Patty teased, patting her on the shoulder.

 Abby loved her best friend. She loved all her friends. But Erin had always been a character. “One time I saw her steal a grape, just one grape, from the grocery store and she had to leave we couldn’t even make it to the checkout.”

 “I haven’t been since,” she admitted, the shame in her voice masked but still unmistakable.

 “Is that why we’re out of milk? Because you’re too scared to go back to the store?”

 “I betrayed their trust. I have a loyalty card and now it means nothing.”

 “What about that time when we stole all of our equipment from the Institute?”

 “I didn’t know we were stealing it you never told me what we were doing I thought it belonged to you.” She still felt scandalised. It was almost a year ago but it still nagged at her.

 “Kind of wish we’d done that this time.”

 “I’m here aren’t I! I have a mask!”

 “You also don’t have a bad bone in your body.”

 The rest of the walk to… somewhere… was done in silence aside from the occasional clanging of metal against metal that was undoubtedly Holtzmann.

 Abby abruptly stopped. Patty seemed to relax. The three of them seemed to share a wordless understanding and Erin was really starting to wish she’d read that email.

 “You’re up Holtzy.”

 “Hells yes I am!”

 ‘Oh no,’ Erin thought.

 Holtzmann was on the floor, hitting it gently with her knuckles, before she shot up and stamped on the same spot. “Got it,” she said to no one but herself. “Hey Patty, my favourite historian, a little help?”

 Erin had no idea what was happening.

 Patty crouched down opposite Holtz and they both lifted a panel up and tossed it aside.

 “Erin you go first.”

 “What? Why me? |We aren’t going down there are we?”

 “It was in the email.”

 “But there’s no ladder.”

 “Just hang down, you’ve got stupid long arms, you’ll probably hit the floor before your elbow straightens.”

 She threw a hunk of debris down the hole to see how deep it was. Not that it was of any use to her because she didn’t know how to work out depth that way, she’d seen it in movies and was desperate to try and seem more competent. It didn’t work.

 “I’m not doing that.”

 “Erin,” Holtz said, extending the ‘I’. “Come on I’ll hold ya.”

 Abby was behind her so fortunately Erin didn’t see the way she raised her eyebrows at Holtzmann.

 She hesitated. She didn’t want to let the team down and this was one of the only bonding experiences she’d ever had. “Fine.”

 So she lowered herself down, legs dangling over the edge.

 “Turn around and give me your hands.” She did as she was told. Holtzmann lay down on the floor, turning the white stripes on her shirt almost black. “I got ya Gilbert.”

 She took the plunge, closing her eyes. Of course, they were right. Holtz didn’t have to bear even an ounce of Erin’s weight. There was a poof of dust followed by coughing. “I made it.”

 They cheered and followed her down, Holtzmann slapping their backs like a military operation. She herself jumped down after gently lowering down her equipment. Erin didn’t want to know what was in there.

 “Let’s go,” Abby said, lighting a head torch that she hadn’t been wearing before.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They get in, they rob the joint, they get out. Everything is fine.

 Stealth was essential in this operation, so why any of them thought that they would be suited to the job was beyond Erin, who hated nothing more than the path her life had taken in that moment.

  “So-“

  “Erin, just don’t say a word,” Patty warned.

 “You don’t even know what I was going to say.”

 “I, for one, would love to hear what Erin has to say.”

 “Yeah, you would.” ~~~~

“What are you implying?” Holtzmann wasn’t even trying to sound scandalised.

 “I’m not implying anything.”

 “ _SO_ ,” there was a collective groan, “ _how_ and _why_ do we know about a disused service passage?”

 “You know Erin, it’s almost like you don’t want us to get away with it.”

 “My New York history isn’t just restricted to ghost hunting.”

 “Forget I asked.” She huffed and crossed her arms.

 They reached a dead end. Everyone but Erin seemed to know exactly what was happening. If she had any signal she’d check the email on her phone, she didn't care about the incurred data charges.

 Holtz stretched to make herself as tall as possible and looked up. “The ceiling is higher than you said. Like a foot higher.”

 Patty touched the ceiling with minimal effort. “No its not you just don't realise how short you are.”

 “Maybe you're just tall?”

 “You’re short Jillian,” she teased. “I’ll give you a boost.” Abby got down on one knee and linked her fingers together to give her a platform.

 “Oh Abigail, this is all so sudden.” She shot a dramatic, lovelorn look at Erin and stepped up onto Abby's hands with the back of her own hand gently resting on her forehead. “Are we sure this is the right spot, because I don't wanna do this thing if we're wrong.”

 “Have I been wrong before?”

 “Point taken.” Any reservations Holtzmann had we dashed aside. She reached into the burlap bag and pulled out three small objects that looked alarmingly like ghost grenades.

 “What on earth are those?”

 “Charges,” she said as if it was obvious while sticking them into place with duct tape.

 “You're going to blow it up?”

 “No, _we’re_ going to blow it up. We're a team. Now Abs, light of my life, if you can put me down real quick that would be so helpful because these are about to blow.”

 Abby pulled her hands apart making her fall backwards and into Patty’s arms. “Girl, what do you weigh? You're like catching a bag of sugar.”

 “You're sweet too. Also. We might all want to get down.”

 They all followed Holtz's lead, something that they rarely did for fear of serious injury or death, and hit the deck.

 They stayed still on the ground for close to thirty seconds and nothing happened.

 Holtzmann heard someone shift on the ground. “Don't get up. Have you never heard of delayed gratification?”

 “There's a delay on these things?”

 “I sure hope so because I'm at least seventy percent sure they are gonna blow at some point.”

 “That's not a good number.”

 “Aren't you like a math nerd or something, I thought you liked all numbers?”

 “She was a mathlete.” If Erin wasn’t mistaken she could have sworn Abby was mocking her.

 “So we're you!” Defensive.

 “Yeah, but your mathleticism is funnier.”

 “I bet you were on the chess team too.”

 “The worst part is this wasn't even in high school, it was college.”

 “You were too uncool for mathletes and chess club. Erin, you're a good person through and through you know I mean that, but that's hilarious.”

 “Too uncool for high school mathletics and chess club. I got us to the finals.”

 “National finals.”

 “Laugh all you like I got so much street cred.”

 “Never say that again.”

 “Yeah it felt wrong.”

 Finally, boom.

 Holtz cheered. Abby, Patty and Erin however yelped.

 “Jesus Christ Holtzmann!”

 “Delayed. Gratification.”

 There was a hole in the ceiling above them. Holtz went up first with Abby’s assistance, followed by Abby with the help of Patty, Patty, being the tallest by a large margin, got up by herself.

 Erin stood so she was directly underneath the hole, artificial while light shining down and almost blinding her. “Guys.”

 “Oh, right.” Holtz crouched down and made grabby hands for her. Erin rolled her eyes buy held on. Abby and Patty had to grab Holtz so she wasn’t pulled down by Erin’s weight.

 After she was dragged up Erin dusted herself off but only succeeded in getting dirt and goodness knows what all over her hands. ‘Note to self: next time bring gloves. Amendment to note to self: make sure there isn’t a next time.’

 “Now what?”

 Holtzmann cracked her knuckles. “We rob a bank.”

 “I’m sure that seemed really cool to you but I think you’re forgetting that I don’t know the plan.”

 “It’s a surprise!”

 Erin wanted to object further but they started walking with purpose. She did the kind of half-jog she did when crossing the street to catch up, equipment jangling as she went. Stealthy.

 Holtz approached a wall with a panel. The tapped it with her knuckles, a hollow sound came out. She grinned and whipped out a rolled up sleeve of small metal tools and picked the small lock on it.

 She had to ask, she just had to. “Holtz,” Abby and Patty sighed, Holtzmann perked up, “why do you know how to pick locks.”

 “Impress girls.”

 Well. Erin couldn’t say she wasn’t impressed. But she was mostly just deeply concerned about the fact that a member of their team was clearly so highly skilled at breaking and entering. What girls was she even trying to impress with that anyway?

 “Did it work?”

 “Oh you have no idea.” She winked at Erin, not even looking as she hooked up a clunky machine with red and blue flashing lights that appeared to be purely cosmetic. “Okay, I’m absolutely certain this is going to work, but we might want to get ready to make a run for it.”

 Erin squeezed her eyes shut and was ready to turn on her heel and make a break for it.

 The machine dinged. So that’s what happened to the microwave.

 Holtz removed the device and turned to them, looking alarmingly serious. If only she could be like this when acting within the law. “We have about a half hour before we should leave.”

 “Is that it?”

 “I thought it would be better to limit the time, makes it more exciting that way.” None of them wanted to ask if she was joking or not. “Onwards!”

 They reached a large vault. It looked exactly like they imagined. All silver and huge and generic. Erin couldn’t help but approach it, it was so… inviting. She knocked on it as if it were a door.

 “Holtzy, you’re up again.”

 “I have to do everything around here.” She leaned against the door far more languidly than one should in the middle of a robbery all of them (but Erin) seemed alarmingly qualified for. “Yo, state champ, I need to get at this bad boy. I’d suggest you back up.”

 She did as she was told and pouted. She felt so out of the loop.

 “You’re sure you’ve got this?”

 Holtz mumbled something and pressed her ear to the vault. From somewhere she produced a stethoscope that looked far too clean and in-tact to have been owned for more than a few days tops. She listened to the vault intently before standing up straight and drilling a large, very dangerous dome-like machine that buzzed and whirred. “Okay! Fire in the hole!” She threw herself down with her hands over her head. Nobody followed suit. “Guys! Especially Erin!” Still none, of them moved. “None of you are any fun sometimes.”

 There was a quiet click and the door swung open.

 There was more money there than any of them had ever seen. Even if it was all ones. Holtz whistled.

 The three of them who were actually equipped for the operation efficiently hauled in the cash. Having nothing else Erin had no choice but to scoop as much as she could into her freakishly long arms. To be fair, this part was her own fault, of course she should have had the foresight to bring a backpack or something. She’d know for future reference. Not that there would be another time she would ever be a part of this.

 They could smell smoke.

 “That’s not good.”

 “We managed to not set off any of the actual security alarms in a high security vault, but we set of a fire alarm?”

 “No, _Holtzmann_ set off a fire alarm.”

 “We’re a team!”

 They bolted. Erin taking the lead, propelled forward by fear and adrenaline. She even _jumped_ down the hole they previously blew. She screamed as she fell and her knees cracked loudly enough for the other three, who were at least twenty feet behind, took sharp intakes of breath in sympathy.

 Erin had to stop beneath the entrance to the service tunnel and wait for them. She was panting. She was so warm under the ski-mask but didn’t have a free hand. Her hair was going to look terrible.

 One by one when they arrived they chucked their bags of ‘dolla dolla billz gang’ onto the ground above after Erin’s haul was divided between them, most of it going in Holtzmann’s seemingly never ending burlap sack. This time they worked together in an order that made much more sense. They got Patty up first since she was the strongest and could pull them up. Then Erin, who had to be given a boost. Followed by Abby. Then Holtzmann who had to jump and be dragged up by the three of them.

 Erin was left with nothing to carry and once again felt out of the loop of the plan. But then lightning struck as it often did with great minds. She bolted towards the wheelbarrow, grin on par with Holtz’s with madness.

 What she was _going_ to suggest was they put the bags in there and they make the home stretch. What actually happened was Holtzmann cannon balling into the trough and pointing towards the exit. “Onwards!”

 Still high on the adrenaline rush Erin managed to do it, Abby and Patty at her sides. Holtz, being the only one with her hands free (aside from the one pointing) took out her phone and made a call.

 “Hey Kev. Yeah I’m good, how are you? Oh great, that’s great, always good to hear-“

 “ _Holtzmann_ ,” Abby snapped.

 “Why are you calling Kevin?”

 “Well, if you’d bothered to read the email you’d know that he’s our getaway driver, now if you’ll excuse me I’m in the middle of a conversation. So Kev, my man, if you could just bring the car around bud that would be grand- yeah see you soon, bye.” She hung up. Erin could have sworn she could still hear him talking. Poor, sweet Kevin.

 Bursting out of an abandoned building with a wheelbarrow wasn’t as exciting as one might expect. It was terrifying. So when they saw the Ecto-1 pull up and Kevin’s smiling face there was a strange sense of relief.

 They all climbed into the back. They laughed.

 “Oh my god did we just rob a bank?”

 “We just robbed a back.”

 Erin dissolved into laughter. Crying laughter, to the point of hiccups. “We robbed a bank.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is considerably less funny and I am sorry

**Author's Note:**

> I won't lie this is the most self indulgent thing ever I laughed so much while writing this and I have SO MUCH planned. I hope you think its funny because I'm crying I won't lie to you gang. This is kind of a short chapter but it establishes the tone and gets the ball rolling.
> 
> Shout out to Gaybusters for putting up with my shit and supporting me through this and giving me ideas and laughing at my bad jokes
> 
> Leave a comment! Make my day! Insult me! Follow me on tumblr I'm spaceuber if you want to follow the worst twitter account in the world I'm @LegallyEsme !!


End file.
